There are many mental illnesses that can take hold postpartum. It does not matter if you have not suffered from mental illness prior to being pregnant. It does not matter if you have not had any issue with mental illness after previous pregnancies. It can happen to anyone without an obvious trigger.
Many women experience something called “the baby blues” soon after giving birth. This generally lasts for three to five days. It can leave mothers feeling sad, empty, and / or hopeless. With the hormonal changes one experiences pre and postpartum, it is completely normal to experience the baby blues. It is not normal, however, to feel that way for an extended period.
The same applies to anxiety and anger. It is normal to feel anxious intermittently. It is normal to feel frustrated and even angry at times. It is not normal to have these feelings negatively impact your everyday life.
I was not a stranger to depression or anxiety, and therefore I almost expected postpartum depression; also known as PPD. I had no idea that postpartum anxiety (PPA) even existed as a diagnosis and did not expect that to be the mental illness that would take me down. It did.
The first red flag happened before we even got ready to leave the hospital. They performed a procedure at my hospital called “the car seat challenge”. This is usually done for premature babies but can also be performed if the baby has other known health issues. They strap the baby into the car seat we brought with us and monitor for breathing or other difficulties for one to two hours.
When our doctor mentioned the test, all I could think was “What if he dies? What if he DIES? WHAT IF HE DIES?” It was a very uncomfortable ninety minutes for me. Jason passed the test easily. When it was time to go home, I could not stop obsessively checking on him. He was a very quiet, mild-mannered baby. In my mind, there would be no warning that something was wrong or even bothering him.
Jason was a happy, quiet baby who rarely cried throughout his infancy. I was head over heels for that baby since the moment they placed him on my chest post-delivery. If he even started to whimper, I would feel my eyes well up with tears.
Then the dreams started. Dreams of Jason being hurt badly or killed. Dreams that were so real that I would wake up crying. I wince even thinking about it, like something is physically hurting me. The dreams morphed into visions during the day. Constant daydreams of someone or something hurting or killing my baby. I would futilely clamp my eyes shut. It was torture.
I could not be away from him. When it was necessary, such as for showering or going to the bathroom, it was painful. In the car I would repeatedly turn back to my stepchildren and urgently ask them to check Jason’s breathing. I would not let anyone else watch him. I knew he would be going to daycare weeks later, and the thought terrified me.
Thankfully my husband noticed that was something wrong. Jason’s pediatrician also gently broached the subject with me. We sought care via medication and therapy. Although it did not completely stop the anxiety, it immensely improved for me.
Babies are stressful. Toddlers are stressful. Children are stressful. We instinctively want to protect them. That is completely normal. It is not normal to be tortured day in and day out by your mind. To become despondent and miserable because your mind will not let you cope. If you find yourself even asking if what you’re feeling could possibly be wrong, please seek help. You cannot be too careful when it comes to you or your baby’s safety and health.
